i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and she was petting her beer can
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
