Whod you bang
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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