this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
