So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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