My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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