"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
