the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
