Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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