I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
