my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
