I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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