i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
