so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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