I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
