I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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