The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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