Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
