Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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