i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
