If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I am one with the molecules
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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