Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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