and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize