I seem to have left my pride at pride
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
