I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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