You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
