I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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