I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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