what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
