He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
