i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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