you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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