Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
