Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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