She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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