You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have aggressive nipples.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
