I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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