i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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