He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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