theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
