I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
True strength comes from lack of pants
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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