She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
