The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
