best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
