marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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