I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
