: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
