Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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