Got a toothbrush?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
