hotel room ftw
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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