Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
