Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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