as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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