forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she peed on how many people?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
