Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
