all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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