I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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