During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
