Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
